How to master adult life by living like a toddler

Worried about increases in energy prices this winter? Wondering when Mervyn King will put up our interest rates? Sick of the MP’s expense scandals and all of the other British institutions that are rotten to the core? Will Maloney stay in X Factor?

I’ve decided that it’s time we all saw the world simply. Through the eyes of a toddler.

Tomorrow, try to live by these easy guidelines –

  • Everything during your day must be rewarded with clapping and cheers. Do not be afraid to give yourself a round of applause after every task you complete. As adults, we do not congratulate ourselves enough.
  • Drink warm milk. It’s the same every day, the same volume, the same temperature, in the same bottle and delivered by the same person at the same time. But, hey, it’s wonderful. Guzzle it, burp and be on your way.
  • Heard a song that you like? Don’t worry where you are, just feel the beat, let it flow through you, express yourself, be the rhythm. If anyone tries to stop you, throw yourself on the ground.
  • Don’t worry about your image or your clothing. Wear what you first pull out of your drawer. Don’t worry if both legs end up down the same trouser hole. Don’t worry if your tights are on backwards (we’ve all been there). Just wear your nappy and all will be fine.
  • Dogs, cats, squirrels, spotting animals can brighten your day. Do you go through life shouting “WAAAAAH” every time you spot one, even from 100 feet away? Try it. Enjoy the simple pleasure of spotting a pet. Point at them too. If it is a household pet then it will appreciate a headlock or indeed having its fur stroked in the wrong direction.
  • Balloons. Just brightly coloured, inflatable bits of latex, right? WRONG. Balloons are the best things EVER! Balloons can be chased around endlessly, thrown away and caught again, they bring joy when they fly and they bring heartache when they pop. (A bit like love)
  • Bubbles. Just soap and water? Nothing, not even snack time, can bring a room of toddlers to a frenzy more than a torrent of bubbles. Bath time isn’t bath time without them. Having a particularly difficult meeting or presentation at work? Why not get out a tube of bubbles, give it your best shot and watch your colleagues gasp with a collective “OOOOOOOOOOH”, arms reaching high in the air, hoping that one will land on their nose. Blowing bubbles well is a life skill at which few will excel. Are you one of them? Why not put it on your CV?
  • Vehicles. When was the last time that your morning was made by seeing a tractor? Or better still, a dustbin lorry with flashy lights on the top? These are not just day-to-day boring vehicles, oh no. These are an opportunity for you to shout “WOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW” freely and with gay abandon. Why not shriek “nee-naw-nee-naw-nee-naw” when you see an ambulance? So someone’s being resuscitated in the back but you needn’t worry, you’re not even two yet.
  • Snacks. There is nothing, I repeat, NOTHING that cannot be solved, placated or distracted by the offer of an organic rice cake. The RAF should drop them on the Taliban.
  • A comfort blanket. Is your train delayed? You’re stuck on a blustery, dark platform, it’s 6am, it’s too windy for an umbrella to shelter you from the rain. You’re tired, you’re hungover, your Metro’s gone soggy, your shoes are a bit pinchy and your iPod has run out of power? All you have to look forward to when your train gets to work is a bland latte and a lifetime of tedium? Don’t worry because a small square of smelly yoghurt-encrusted fleece, preferably with a smug teddy bear on it, will sort you out. Cuddle it, suck the material and for goodness sake, don’t let anyone wash it.
  • Stickers. Life’s greatest prize. Stick them, collect them, eat them.
  • An empty cardboard box, AMAZING. Open it, empty out the contents, get in it. Sure, you may end up living in one when you go bankrupt. But don’t forget it’s the best toy ever.

Live like a toddler. Forget about the mortgage, politics, illness and Rupert Murdoch. Don’t worry if you have a little green trail of snot, it’s just fine, this can be dealt with by pushing your tongue out as far as possible and licking your own face. See? There’s nothing that toddlers can’t overcome.

I must dash anyway, I’m pretty sure that I just heard an aircraft within 40,000 feet of my house, I need to run to the window to wave at it.

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